Now if you saw the title of this article and thought; “YES! Finally someone is sharing the information I want to know!” then you clearly need to read what’s coming next!
Getting your partner/friend/colleague/family member to change is simple… Stop trying to change them.
As humans we are generally reactive. We go through life and see something we either like or don’t like and react accordingly. The problem is that some of our “don’t like” reactions are overreactions. Overreactions are caused by having an oversensitivity to something or someone, also known as “emotional baggage/damage”. Technical jargon, I know.
In our partnership or family relationships we notice it a lot more because we’re totally invested in that other person loving us or at least liking us, however, if one of you (worse if both of you) has a low self-esteem or low self-love, it turns into a craving and neediness of love with a constant need for confirmation or validation.
The problem is, all the actions and words the other person says or does are distorted by our own filters and if the core of that filter system there is a belief that “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a failure” or “I’m not lovable”, that’s how you’ll read what they say or do even if their motivation is coming from a loving and respectful place.
People generally perceive whatever they fear or believe to be true about themselves i.e. they don’t think I’m good enough, they might reject/judge me, they’re seeing someone else, they don’t love me, they’re angry or upset with me etc.
I bet you’ve seen it or experienced it at some point; once one person has their emotional stuff triggered, they react accordingly (anger, tears, cold shoulder etc) which then triggers the other person and what could have been a calm discussion to find out what’s really going on, ends up in World War III with defending and deflecting or tit-for-tat going on everywhere.
How do you change that?
Easy. You change them by working on your emotional baggage and “stuff” first.
When you decide you want your relationship with someone to change to make it more harmonious, easier, more respectful, more passionate (for intimate relationships of course), more understanding and all the yummy stuff it was in the beginning, you can’t force the other person to equally decide to change and as you’re probably already aware, it can make things worse the more you try to get them to.
As you work on your stuff, you release the intensity of your own negative emotions so that when they’re triggered by something they say or do, your emotions don’t go nuclear in the first 2 seconds. This is typically what happens if you never dissolve your emotional stuff, the emotions just grow in intensity every time they’re triggered, particularly if they are triggered by the same person over and over and over again… you get the picture.
Once the underlying issues are resolved within you, you are able to respond much more rationally and maturely than you could before because the emotion is at a manageable level and is no longer running your mouth and mind. Then since you don’t react to the things they say or do that used to trigger you, they don’t have to react to your reaction and all of a sudden harmony reigns! It’s not hard to see that if one person doesn’t poke the or push back, it quickly breaks the pattern of poke, poke back, push, push back, punch, punch back, pull out the AK47 and see who gets to the missile launcher first!
So in summary, the way to change your partner, or the dynamic in your relationship if it’s not as amazing as you want, is to start with you! If they decide to join in and work on their own emotional stuff, bonus, it just happens faster!
I work with people all the time on their emotional baggage; couples and singles who are looking for a better relationship, family relationships, work relationships, using some amazing modalities and tools which help dissolve, resolve and heal the stuff and baggage rapidly. We’re not going to sit and talk about the problem for months and years, progress starts in session one and I give you the tools to continue on by yourselves. Book in for a complimentary call to check me out and see if you feel like I can help you 🙂